"Not only a means of euphoria and nostalgia, caffeine is a safety net that cradles sad minds without attracting judgment.”:
this is... huge. I cling to energy drinks, coffee, anything offering that tiny sliver of stimulation-- something to function normally. It's like my brain is a state road, plunged with pot holes, and every day, I, a laboring civil worker, fill those holes with stimulates to smooth it over. Even then, the fillings make your car hop a little when you drive over them. It's an addiction that I can hide. It's a silent call for help that nobody knows unless my partner inquires, "isn't that your third Red Bull today?" or "your fingers are bleeding."
“My body-focused behaviors aren’t so bad that strangers notice - but anyone who lives with me eventually notices my stack of bad habits and it becomes their cross to bear”:
Such a beautiful line, one that I felt so deeply.
“I knew there was something wrong with my brain - something they couldn’t just run a test for and find. I was up to three energy drinks a day.”
Do you ever feel like something is wrong with you, badgering your every neuron every waking moment of the day, but when you seek help, nobody can find a thing? But we, long-term residents of our minds, are at the very least perceptive enough to know that something is not quite right here. I know there's such a thing as a "high functioning (blank)," but I don't quite know what goes in the gaps there. It's something I've been wanting to know my entire life.
“Close to 30, thousands of dollars sunk into a bullshit license - I couldn’t try on another career. I had to preserve in the pit.”
This is so profound. My friends and family often poke fun that I have a new hobby or personality every year or so-- living, breathing, embodying each and every phase. I don't realize it when it happens, but it's like I find interest in something, and next thing you know it, I'm strapped in with a harness, flashlight on my helmet, carabiner on a wire propelling down into the depths of it. Growing up, though, these changes are not as kind. The responsibilities of every day life require stability and routine. When the thought of those routines make start to make me nauseous, I can't just bounce from thing to thing anymore. Stuck, compromise is a necessary decision so that the rest of life can function, and the compromise is a reality I'm wrestling and finding my footing in.
Apologies for all of the excessive anecdotes, but this story really resonates with me. I've struggled for years with something I can't put a name to, and many of the ways I cope with it are easily disguised. Out of everything I've read lately, this piece really strikes me. Thank you. I feel a little less alone. I also have a fear that one day these addictions will catch up to me. I long for a day where I rely on nothing, live naturally, and experience life without a substance behind it.
The hardest thing for me is still trying to learn the lesson of not bouncing from thing to thing or doing too many things at the same time. I still haven’t figured that out and I know I need to. I get closer each year but nope. I didn’t even stick with the dietitian license either - let that expire last May. I’m onto painting and minimum wage jobs and now starting this writing thing. Writing was a first love so maybe I can make it work who knows.
I want to write more stories where the characters are very different from me, and I will, but this is basically yeah me talking about my difficulties. I’m glad it resonated and helped you feel not alone. I was hoping it wouldn’t just feel like some weird confessional piece because it kinda is haha.
What I wrote here is basically the truth of what I’ve lived through. The daydreaming, lack of focus, the way caffeine affects me and my addiction to it, and then the fear of dying young from a heart attack because I ingest caffeine daily - on bad days, more than the ‘safe limit’. I tried all these meds in my story but I’m not on any of them anymore, just daily energy drinks. Adderall does feel amazing but it freaks me out to take that everyday and how it’ll affect me long term and I can get by with just energy drinks. I haven’t been able to figure out how to get by without energy drinks though - and the way I was completely unfocused, impulsive and in need of chaos or thrills to stimulate myself pre-caffeine, I take my risks with the caffeine. But the goal is to continue to find healthy coping and healthy stimulus (exercise, art, etc) and be able to thrive with less stimulus. I honestly go vegetable mode and killer headache without caffeine so meh.
For me personally, I’ve noticed those that relate with my experiences have ADHD. I’ll probably never know for sure, based on everything I’ve looked into my current conclusion is that I have ADHD and that is what makes my brain different from most peoples’ brains. The neurodivergent brain versus a neurotypical brain. People with ADHD tend to do well with stimulant medication and/or caffeine and are usually addicted to caffeine (a form of self-medication) because it helps fill in that gap of focus that is automatic for neurotypical but not for us (we get easily distracted, our thoughts are loud and intrusive, we have time blindness due to the distractions etc).
So when you say “high functioning blank”, for me it’s a high functioning person with a neurodivergent brain and ADHD and caffeine addiction. And I don’t always feel high functioning, I burn out easily or with that desire for stimulation (novelty can scratch that itch) - I constantly pursue ‘new’. Sometimes that leads to learning new useful skills but sometimes it feels like I’m just constantly sabotaging myself and my true potential to have fun. What actually makes for ADHD is whats in this story plus more. The need for novelty, the need for stimulants, the lack of executive functioning in the brain so you have to rely on so many external things (people, schedules, alarms, stimulants) - these are the struggles people with ADHD face and have to work hard to overcome/live with. Even the brain fog and issues with memory is an ADHD thing - like when under stress and because ADHD brains lack executive functioning anyway its harder to remember things but its worse if you’re doing poorly mentally/physically for other reasons too.
The book ADHD 2.0 and the podcast episode Adderall, Stimulants & Modafinil for ADHD long term and short term effects by Huberman Lab, were helpful for me. I’ve been reading about ADHD for 4 years and I think it tracks - but then again it doesn’t even matter. It doesn’t really help me to strongly identify with ADHD and all that because it can become this victimizing crutch thing - but it helps give language and validation to the inner demons haha.
Whether it’s ADHD or something else, you’re definitely not alone. It’s so human to struggle with addictions in general. All we can do is keep trying our best.
Side note- as a energy drink fiend lol and Red Bull being my first love, I remember seeing your Red Bull photo and you saying you work for them and a part inside of me was like omg that was a dream job I had as a teen and its always fun to see those Red Bull people in the wild haha.
OH MY GOSH, YES! The Red Bull Student Marketeers! That's me!!! That is so cool to hear. I remember reading about your first Red Bull, and I was like, "no way!" Our job is honestly so quirky. I'm part of the Atlanta team, so I hope the SM's in FL give you our new Winter edition when it comes out!
But thank you so much for this story. The honesty and the self-reflection really connected with me; I haven't identified with something like this in a while. As time progresses, I hope to write fiction like you mentioned too-- exploring the lives of people entirely different than us, and through them, looking at life through new angles and perspectives. Very thankful for this community. I look forward to reading works like yours each morning, and the encouragement we receive from everybody is so, so heartwarming.
I hope you keep fighting and pushing for a life where we live in the driver's seat of our addictions. The dream for me is very similar to what you mentioned: to live "find[ing] healthy coping and healthy stimulus... and be able to thrive with less stimulus." The resources you provided on ADHD sound interesting, and I'm going to take a look at them!
Here's to all of us searching for a more holistic version of ourselves-- who want to experience life in its entirety: one moment at a time, one word at a time. Thank you endlessly for sharing.
Ahhh yess I echo all you said about the community, enjoying reading others’ works, and the personal goals you have with writing and with life in general. Thank you so much for not only reading but leaving comments like this. I’ll be on the lookout for that winter edition lol but nothing beats the original Red Bull flavor to me!
AMAZING TAKE. I adore the original, but the original sugar free has my heart hahaha. If there's ever a Red Bull event happening down in FL, I'll for sure let you know!
Thank you Benno, yeah I wrote it Sunday night to get it in at the last hour lol. I could expand on it/edit in the future. I still gotta read David Foster Wallace stuff - most of Ian’s favs I haven’t read except Norwegian Wood so I’m excited to read Pale King and similar.
Oh, I see, sounds like caffeine was definitely involved! Dfw can be very hate or love, but from what you wrote here I think you would love the pale king
Thank you Maximilian. I haven’t read Robin McKinley before so now I’m curious to check out Sunshine.
I have a lot to learn because I really only wrote shit self indulgent poems in high school. Reading and the desire to write go hand in hand for me, so I read a ton in high school and would write my shit poems, now this year I’ve prioritized reading fiction again and that got me to wanting to write -then found Ian. Learning so much from you all. I do want to try to write in third person more, like your Fjorn story is so good and feels like good story telling.
When it comes to writers I always paid a lot of attention to Chuck Palahniuk - I read many of his books, watched interviews, and I even went to his book tour in 2023 when I wasn’t even reading much and definitely not writing - so I feel very influenced by him and his style of writing absurd stories. Palahniuk is very hit or miss to readers though, so I want to expand my influence and find a writing style that I can develop into. Right now I’m just writing and whatever comes out there we go haha.
I really appreciate you reading my work and leaving such thoughtful comments. I’m sure I’ll disappoint and I can trust you’ll let me have it haha, which is also appreciated! It’s so hard to find the time to read everyone’s work but I’m a fan of yours so I’ll be over there on your page as well!
"Not only a means of euphoria and nostalgia, caffeine is a safety net that cradles sad minds without attracting judgment.”:
this is... huge. I cling to energy drinks, coffee, anything offering that tiny sliver of stimulation-- something to function normally. It's like my brain is a state road, plunged with pot holes, and every day, I, a laboring civil worker, fill those holes with stimulates to smooth it over. Even then, the fillings make your car hop a little when you drive over them. It's an addiction that I can hide. It's a silent call for help that nobody knows unless my partner inquires, "isn't that your third Red Bull today?" or "your fingers are bleeding."
“My body-focused behaviors aren’t so bad that strangers notice - but anyone who lives with me eventually notices my stack of bad habits and it becomes their cross to bear”:
Such a beautiful line, one that I felt so deeply.
“I knew there was something wrong with my brain - something they couldn’t just run a test for and find. I was up to three energy drinks a day.”
Do you ever feel like something is wrong with you, badgering your every neuron every waking moment of the day, but when you seek help, nobody can find a thing? But we, long-term residents of our minds, are at the very least perceptive enough to know that something is not quite right here. I know there's such a thing as a "high functioning (blank)," but I don't quite know what goes in the gaps there. It's something I've been wanting to know my entire life.
“Close to 30, thousands of dollars sunk into a bullshit license - I couldn’t try on another career. I had to preserve in the pit.”
This is so profound. My friends and family often poke fun that I have a new hobby or personality every year or so-- living, breathing, embodying each and every phase. I don't realize it when it happens, but it's like I find interest in something, and next thing you know it, I'm strapped in with a harness, flashlight on my helmet, carabiner on a wire propelling down into the depths of it. Growing up, though, these changes are not as kind. The responsibilities of every day life require stability and routine. When the thought of those routines make start to make me nauseous, I can't just bounce from thing to thing anymore. Stuck, compromise is a necessary decision so that the rest of life can function, and the compromise is a reality I'm wrestling and finding my footing in.
Apologies for all of the excessive anecdotes, but this story really resonates with me. I've struggled for years with something I can't put a name to, and many of the ways I cope with it are easily disguised. Out of everything I've read lately, this piece really strikes me. Thank you. I feel a little less alone. I also have a fear that one day these addictions will catch up to me. I long for a day where I rely on nothing, live naturally, and experience life without a substance behind it.
Yesss thank you for sharing and I totally get it!
The hardest thing for me is still trying to learn the lesson of not bouncing from thing to thing or doing too many things at the same time. I still haven’t figured that out and I know I need to. I get closer each year but nope. I didn’t even stick with the dietitian license either - let that expire last May. I’m onto painting and minimum wage jobs and now starting this writing thing. Writing was a first love so maybe I can make it work who knows.
I want to write more stories where the characters are very different from me, and I will, but this is basically yeah me talking about my difficulties. I’m glad it resonated and helped you feel not alone. I was hoping it wouldn’t just feel like some weird confessional piece because it kinda is haha.
What I wrote here is basically the truth of what I’ve lived through. The daydreaming, lack of focus, the way caffeine affects me and my addiction to it, and then the fear of dying young from a heart attack because I ingest caffeine daily - on bad days, more than the ‘safe limit’. I tried all these meds in my story but I’m not on any of them anymore, just daily energy drinks. Adderall does feel amazing but it freaks me out to take that everyday and how it’ll affect me long term and I can get by with just energy drinks. I haven’t been able to figure out how to get by without energy drinks though - and the way I was completely unfocused, impulsive and in need of chaos or thrills to stimulate myself pre-caffeine, I take my risks with the caffeine. But the goal is to continue to find healthy coping and healthy stimulus (exercise, art, etc) and be able to thrive with less stimulus. I honestly go vegetable mode and killer headache without caffeine so meh.
For me personally, I’ve noticed those that relate with my experiences have ADHD. I’ll probably never know for sure, based on everything I’ve looked into my current conclusion is that I have ADHD and that is what makes my brain different from most peoples’ brains. The neurodivergent brain versus a neurotypical brain. People with ADHD tend to do well with stimulant medication and/or caffeine and are usually addicted to caffeine (a form of self-medication) because it helps fill in that gap of focus that is automatic for neurotypical but not for us (we get easily distracted, our thoughts are loud and intrusive, we have time blindness due to the distractions etc).
So when you say “high functioning blank”, for me it’s a high functioning person with a neurodivergent brain and ADHD and caffeine addiction. And I don’t always feel high functioning, I burn out easily or with that desire for stimulation (novelty can scratch that itch) - I constantly pursue ‘new’. Sometimes that leads to learning new useful skills but sometimes it feels like I’m just constantly sabotaging myself and my true potential to have fun. What actually makes for ADHD is whats in this story plus more. The need for novelty, the need for stimulants, the lack of executive functioning in the brain so you have to rely on so many external things (people, schedules, alarms, stimulants) - these are the struggles people with ADHD face and have to work hard to overcome/live with. Even the brain fog and issues with memory is an ADHD thing - like when under stress and because ADHD brains lack executive functioning anyway its harder to remember things but its worse if you’re doing poorly mentally/physically for other reasons too.
The book ADHD 2.0 and the podcast episode Adderall, Stimulants & Modafinil for ADHD long term and short term effects by Huberman Lab, were helpful for me. I’ve been reading about ADHD for 4 years and I think it tracks - but then again it doesn’t even matter. It doesn’t really help me to strongly identify with ADHD and all that because it can become this victimizing crutch thing - but it helps give language and validation to the inner demons haha.
Whether it’s ADHD or something else, you’re definitely not alone. It’s so human to struggle with addictions in general. All we can do is keep trying our best.
Side note- as a energy drink fiend lol and Red Bull being my first love, I remember seeing your Red Bull photo and you saying you work for them and a part inside of me was like omg that was a dream job I had as a teen and its always fun to see those Red Bull people in the wild haha.
OH MY GOSH, YES! The Red Bull Student Marketeers! That's me!!! That is so cool to hear. I remember reading about your first Red Bull, and I was like, "no way!" Our job is honestly so quirky. I'm part of the Atlanta team, so I hope the SM's in FL give you our new Winter edition when it comes out!
But thank you so much for this story. The honesty and the self-reflection really connected with me; I haven't identified with something like this in a while. As time progresses, I hope to write fiction like you mentioned too-- exploring the lives of people entirely different than us, and through them, looking at life through new angles and perspectives. Very thankful for this community. I look forward to reading works like yours each morning, and the encouragement we receive from everybody is so, so heartwarming.
I hope you keep fighting and pushing for a life where we live in the driver's seat of our addictions. The dream for me is very similar to what you mentioned: to live "find[ing] healthy coping and healthy stimulus... and be able to thrive with less stimulus." The resources you provided on ADHD sound interesting, and I'm going to take a look at them!
Here's to all of us searching for a more holistic version of ourselves-- who want to experience life in its entirety: one moment at a time, one word at a time. Thank you endlessly for sharing.
Ahhh yess I echo all you said about the community, enjoying reading others’ works, and the personal goals you have with writing and with life in general. Thank you so much for not only reading but leaving comments like this. I’ll be on the lookout for that winter edition lol but nothing beats the original Red Bull flavor to me!
AMAZING TAKE. I adore the original, but the original sugar free has my heart hahaha. If there's ever a Red Bull event happening down in FL, I'll for sure let you know!
Hahaha sweet, thank you!!!
Excellent throughout, especially the ending!
Thank you Pablo! Thanks for reading!
I enjoyed the exposition and reflections of the character, gave me Pale king vibes. I feel this one has room to expand further though!
Thank you Benno, yeah I wrote it Sunday night to get it in at the last hour lol. I could expand on it/edit in the future. I still gotta read David Foster Wallace stuff - most of Ian’s favs I haven’t read except Norwegian Wood so I’m excited to read Pale King and similar.
Oh, I see, sounds like caffeine was definitely involved! Dfw can be very hate or love, but from what you wrote here I think you would love the pale king
Thank you Maximilian. I haven’t read Robin McKinley before so now I’m curious to check out Sunshine.
I have a lot to learn because I really only wrote shit self indulgent poems in high school. Reading and the desire to write go hand in hand for me, so I read a ton in high school and would write my shit poems, now this year I’ve prioritized reading fiction again and that got me to wanting to write -then found Ian. Learning so much from you all. I do want to try to write in third person more, like your Fjorn story is so good and feels like good story telling.
When it comes to writers I always paid a lot of attention to Chuck Palahniuk - I read many of his books, watched interviews, and I even went to his book tour in 2023 when I wasn’t even reading much and definitely not writing - so I feel very influenced by him and his style of writing absurd stories. Palahniuk is very hit or miss to readers though, so I want to expand my influence and find a writing style that I can develop into. Right now I’m just writing and whatever comes out there we go haha.
I really appreciate you reading my work and leaving such thoughtful comments. I’m sure I’ll disappoint and I can trust you’ll let me have it haha, which is also appreciated! It’s so hard to find the time to read everyone’s work but I’m a fan of yours so I’ll be over there on your page as well!
Thank you Ryan!